I Had a Friend for Lunch

Everyone knows that spoken language and to a lesser degree written language is fraught with difficulties.  Communication is probably the most important and necessary facets in building relationships, yet it can be one of the most destructive forces in failing relationships.  To the Christian, who is by regeneration engaged in a supernatural relationship with God through Jesus Christ, the art of communication should be a serious discipline.  We recognize the immense value in communicating to God through prayer and “hearing” His communication to us in the Written Word, the Bible.  According to John in his first epistle, we also enter into a relationship with other believers when we come into fellowship with Christ through new birth (I John 1:3). The church is the local community of disciples of Jesus Christ who are rightly related to God through the propitiation of Jesus Christ, also seeking to be rightly related toward one another through that same Divine Sacrifice. Our relationship both with God and one another is determined in the cross (that new familial relationship cannot be severed), but the strength and joy of those relationships are developed through God’s sanctifying work in our lives–an ongoing process.  In fact, Jesus stated in John 13:35, that a proper love relationship with other saints is the mark of a proper relationship with God.  We cannot separate our love for Christ from our love for our brothers, they are part of the same Divine regeneration.  A person is not saved by a church, but a person is saved into the church (body of believers). Therefore, in as much as we are concerned about our communication with our Divine Lord, we should be concerned about our communication with his Divinely redeemed children.

As we noted earlier, however, language and communication is not always easy. Communication is an art that must be developed and appreciated for what it is–imperfect.  Yes, we know that we are not always precise and often misspeak which is unfortunately what it means to be fallen creation; and at times we might even intentionally lie or communicate ineffectively, which is sinful.  What I desire to express in this article however is not our communication problems or errors, but rather how we receive and handle (or mishandle) each other’s communication sins and errors. I hope to present some Biblical suggestions and guidelines that will enable to love and grow with one another, even through our communication barriers.

1. Don’t assume evil motive, meaning, or intention.  I know that many might respond to this, “I have been deceived too many times to trust anyone anymore,” or “Everyone is always taking advantage of me.”  Do not misunderstand (no pun intended), assuming evil motive or meaning is not the same as being cautious or researching the veracity of a statement.  I am not suggesting naive trust or “blind faith” so to speak.  The Scripture says in I Corinthians 13:7 “[Love] beareth all things, believeth all things.”  This means that genuine love will assume right motives and good intention rather than being quick to assume that our Christian brother’s words were intended to wound. How then do we do this?  Simply put, ask.  When a brother or sister says something we take as hurtful or that we do not understand, in a calm, loving manner, should we not ask them what they mean, to clarify what they are saying. This would be a lot better than brooding about what was spoken and then later finding out that the person who spoke to us, never had that intention. Fellowship was broken for a time, when it never had to be (this is convicting to me as I have done this even with my spouse). Now the definition of assumption is to believe something to be true without the facts. Maybe one of the reasons we assume evil intention, is that we don’t have all the facts.  Asking questions kindly can get the facts.
2. Recognize the difference between sin and mistakes. All sin is a mistake, but not all mistakes are sin. There have been times, when I thought someone had sinned against me, but later found out that they had misspoken in what they had said. Surely, I can recognize the difference. For example, there is a difference between a President following the advice and counsel of advisers, reading reports, examining data, then deciding that there are WMD’s in Iraq, declaring this to the American public; or simply making it all up and telling everyone that their are WMD’s in Iraq.  Yes, if there are no weapons, this is a critical mistake, but it is not the same as lying.  Lying is intentionally saying something that is not true for ulterior motives-whether those motives are good or bad.  Misunderstanding, misspeaking, poor communication, repeating wrong facts is not good, but it is not lying.  Lying is immoral, misspeaking is human. We need to recognize this reality and then coupling this point with number 1, until we know they have lied, we ought not assume it to be so.
3. Be Biblically discerning in receiving information. How many myths, urban legends, and flat out misinformation is perpetuated by the vast “information” of the world wide web. We as Christians, who are concerned about truth, ought to be reticent to repeat stories and information found in email or the internet simply because it professes to come from a reliable source.  I was greatly embarrassed by this one time. A reliable source once informed me of an urgent prayer request they received in email. Without checking the facts, I simply stood up in a meeting with a bunch of pastors and proclaimed this as a prayer request. Another pastor talked to me later and informed me that that email with the prayer information had been going around for some time and was dubious at best. I was so embarrassed simply because I had not checked my information out. (There is a great website out there called snopes that fact checks those many emails we receive with stories and information. I encourage you to check it out). One of the blessings of the “information age” is the abundance of information, but this is also one of the greatest detriments to discernment.  It becomes impossible to sort through all the information available. Proverbs 15:7 says, “The lips of the wise disperse knowledge.” Notice it is knowledge they are dispersing, not just information.  The difference is that knowledge is beneficial and accurate, information may not be so.  So in receiving communication, we need to be discerning and compare all that we hear with the Words of God.
4. Listen attentively to one another.  Proverbs 18:13 says, “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.” Oh how often I have disregarded the proverbial truth.  While others are speaking, we are formulating our response, our rebuttal, or our defense; when we ought to be actively listening seeking to hear and receive understanding.  We may hear words spoken by others, but true communication has not taken place until we have understanding of what they have spoken.  I have been ashamed to have at times had to stop and say, “Please repeat that, I wasn’t paying attention.” Sadly, I have not done that as often I should.  If we are to truly understand one another, we need to attentively listen to one another.

These four simple principles might be a practical way for us to better love one another as mutual disciples of Jesus Christ. Communication is not easy, in fact, good Biblical communication is impossible without a commitment to walking in the Spirit of God every moment of every day.  God give us all the grace to be Spirit-filled communicators with one another.