She said “No!?”

Monumental Event #2

Since my dear wife and I have been married for 10 years this July 21, I am writing a series of posts about monumental events in our relationship. Last post I wrote about when we met. It was love at first site…for me. Which, of course, makes sense if you know my wife well and know me well. No one and I mean no one has ever denied that I married up. A lot of people say that as kind of a little joke, but I mean it sincerely. She was (and is) out of my league. So it should not surprise anyone that I had decided that this was the woman I was going to marry fairly soon in our relationship while she still needed “a little convincing.” The problem was that I was pretty immature and selfish and at times could be a royal jerk. But we did have a connection after our fateful date at the run-down amusement park and so the relationship began to progress.

We were both in attendance at a fairly conservative (pretty strict really) Bible college and therefore dating is a little unusual. We were very interested in knowing each other better and so she came home to visit my family and to see the West for a few days after our freshman year of college. We had a great time and when we met up again for our sophomore year of college, I officially became her boyfriend. Lurking deep within my soul, however, was a bitterness and selfishness gnawing at me. I was a pretty good kid, but my interest in spiritual matters was mostly external. Another way to say it was that I was more knowledgeable concerning theological things and spiritual matters than many of my age, but my heart had very little relationship with the person of Jesus Christ. I was blind to how this was being evidenced in my life, but my dear girlfriend was not blind to my weak character. I was very opinionated (was???) and had already planned out our future together. So you can imagine my surprise when I sought to deepen our involvement and was rebuffed with “no.” Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t mean but very gentle and in her own way let me know that there were some serious character defects that were not obvious to me that needed to be taken care of before we could move any further in our relationship-just like that the relationship was cut. I was devastated. One reason being that I thought I had lost the love of my life. But the more prominent reason was that I just couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t want to be with me.

During a particular intense sermon that I was listening to, I became so overwhelmed with my own insufficiency and pride that I left the worship service. I just had to get out of there. I found a dark room and for several hours met with God. The best way I can express this time is like to that of Jacob wrestling with the Angel of the Lord. I just could not leave that room until I knew that God would bless me. If you don’t understand what I am talking about, let me explain how I am like Jacob, the Patriarch. Just like Jacob, I had spent my life putting myself in favorable positions. I wanted a job-I got a job. I wanted a raise-I got a raise. I wanted a girl-I got the girl. I worked hard to bless myself just as Jacob had done. But it wasn’t until Jacob, empty and alone realized that life has no meaning unless God is the source of all blessing. That night, upon my knees, I wouldn’t let go in prayer until I had emptied myself and found my life in Christ alone. I had been justified many years ago by grace through faith as a young boy. But this moment was different. It was a moment where in the sanctification process God helped me see that I must live my life with one purpose only, that purpose being to exalt God alone and to enjoy him as my only sufficiency and blessing. The verse that echoed through my mind was, “My grace is sufficient.” It is still a daily battle to rest in Christ alone, but when I rose in the dark of that classroom, I believed in my heart of hearts, that even if I never got the girl, the job, the life I had wanted-the truth that God’s gracious love was poured out upon me was sufficient for the rest of my life. My life radically changed. Before I would have an intense desire to read the Word and know God, but that would be followed by months of apathy and disregard for spiritual things. But now, I hungered, truly hungered to be conformed to the image of Christ. I read the Scripture differently. Instead of reading with the prayer of “teach me truths.” I now read with the prayer of “change me with your truth.”

God was so gracious to allow my girlfriend to begin to see a change in me. It was gradual and there are still many pitfalls and weaknesses of flesh that I struggle with. But God was changing me and I didn’t even see it, but she did. I remember with joy when we were visiting one evening (we still maintained a friendship throughout this time) and she said, “You’re different, you’ve changed.” I didn’t know how to respond to that because I didn’t feel different nor did I see the change very much. But then she informed me that she wanted to start dating again. Needless to say, I was elated!

I thank my God often that he sent me a wife who had the discernment, the godliness, and the moral courage to tell me “no.” God used my wife while we were in these infant stages of our relationship to open my eyes to a vibrant, genuine relationship with the King of kings. And she hasn’t stopped doing this same thing. I praise God for my Bonnie.